September 27, 2003  
I'm so annoyed. I can't go to Livid
this year. I owe people money and I've
set myself a goal that I'm going to buy a
car... although I'll probably spend it on
junk food and cigarettes.

A quote suddenly popped into my head.
"As soon as your born you start dying."
And it really makes me think. Not
necessarily in a suicidal sense but...

what the hell am I doing with myself?

Right now I'm sitting at the computer
staring mindlessly. again. Its not a
rarity anymore, its an everyday thing.
Exams are coming up, and after hours and
hours of study, I'm thinking, what does it matter?

I'm currently listening to Mad World by
Gary Jules. This song makes me cry. But
its so true. The first verse...
everything is so goddamn routine. I hate
routine, but I've never known anything
else. I haven't succumbed to my weapon of
choice against the world. I haven't had
it since last week. But I know it
wouldn't change me even if I do have it
right now.

Just wanna go to sleep. And not wake up,
till my world changes. If it ever does.

Excerpt from a conversation I had with someone I'm fighting with. Its just what I said, before they said anything:

well what do you want me to say?
what will please you?
fuck, its a rare occasion i apologize to anyone, cuz i'm that stubborn. i realised what i said, and how that just completely fucked everything up cuz i've known you for ages and shit but if your still gonna be mad at me. then theres not much i can do about it.
i'm sorry, ok.
I really am. not just because I've lost alot of friends due to all this, but because I hurt you. And thats not what I meant to do.


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